To The admirers

If your reaction is going to be “arrogant”, “presumptous”, “proud”, “swollen headed” or anything else on these lines, you need not take the trouble of writing comments. All those reactions are presumed and despite that I have, finally, decided to write this post.

If you feel tempted to provide the background, reasons, analyses and the likes of why this happens, and worse still, want to justify it, please keep off. These are not my interests just now.

If I already sound too arrogant to be read, stop here. The rest of the post is likely to be worse.

This is not a post of the kind associated with “anti-male feminists”. The phenomenon as such has nothing to do with which particular sex is the victim. It could be either way. What I am writing here is just my own experience – so obviously it is not supposed to be about presenting the pros and cons of the phenomenon by itself. But yeah, because of this cultural conditioning of males “pursuing” females in most of the societies, more often, women are expected to face this. Further, certain issues specific to male and female stereotypes do come into picture while talking about these experiences. So, while there will be similarities, there are equally likely to be differences in the actual experience faced by the two sexes.

Nor is it supposed to blame just the men for keeping this kind of practice pesistent in the society. My disgust is equally well directed to the women, who respond quite positively to the pursuals themselves (irrespective of other considerations that is!), and thus lead men to further believe in it. (Whenever it is faced by the other sex, same argument applies!)

Finally, while individuals may identify with this, rest assured almost all of it comes from the experience with more than individuals. So, any individual justifications/clarifications are not welcome.

I have had a rather long (with respect to something I could handle) list of “admirers”… It took me quite some time to accept this term (written in quotes) really, but had to finally accept it. “Admirers” are what they are called.

And what is it about them that I am going to write that has made me write the draconian disclaimer in the beginning of the post? As a plain and simple, short answer, I am sick of them. I simply do not want another one of them around me. Hark! I am much, much better off without being admired – really.

  • Please, realize that I have a choice. Only posiibilities you are ready to accept are

    1. I am very career-oriented; hence not considering it at the moment – so you should keep pursuing.
    2. I just do not know what love really is and hence it is your divine duty to make me get a taste of it and then of course, I will come rushing towards you.
    3. I already have a boyfriend – so you should consider withdrawing. Of course, this is not sacrosanct. You may still pursue. After all the same Hindi Movies, that have taught you the lessons in the above two are filled with ample examples of the cases where the “real” lover is able to get the heroine back from the “clutches” of the “not-deserving-one” (he need not exactly be a villain). So pursue, pursue, pursue…

    Now, let me reiterate – I have a choice. Suppose all of the following is true –

    1. I am not particularly career-oriented or my career-orientation does not prevent me from considering relationships
    2. I have never been in love
    3. I do not have a boy-friend
  • Even then, yeah – even then my dear admirers, I need not accept you. I have a choice. You are not the kind whom I would have as a partner. Period. I do not have to accept the first offer that comes to me in my life. No! I can decide that this is not right for me. And since it is my life. You have to respect my decision and simply back off. Yes!

  • It’s not “either love or hatred”. Just because I do not hate you does not mean, I must fall in love with you. Even if I like your company and/or have respect for you and/or value some of your qualities and/or am easy-going with you – I need not fall in love with you. I can not fall inlove with everyone in whom I find something that I respect or like or value or in whose company I am comfortable. Get that?
    Nor is it even a sign of you “having a chance”. I might just be very clear that though there is something in you I like/resepct/value, I would not want you as a partner. Yes! That happens – even with me, if that comes as a surprise to you. (Sarcasm intended)
  • And million dollar question! How does one ever get into a relationship then? If you ask me, of course, there are better ways, but I have no intention to preach. Because that will be taking into the issues of how one views the relationships. And while, I have talking about letting me have a choice, I would not like to project my choices as the choice. So, only thing I will say is if pursue you must, please do not play tricks and games. Be receptive and open to rejections at least, keeping the above two bullet points in mind. And for God’s sake – do not adopt one of these horrid defensive techniques after being rejected –

    • Yeah, yeah – I let you go, but will keep stalking you in a manner you can do nothing about.
    • I will not miss a single opportunity to taunt you for your other relationships/friendships.
    • If you get into a relationship with someone else, I will make it my task to point out every thing (that I have imagined) to be wrong there
    • etc. etc.

If you can not take rejections normally, please do not propose. Die with that “sweet” love in your heart. It’s very romantic – you know!

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About Jaya

Jaya Jha is an entrepreneur, a techie, a writer and a poet. She was born and brought up in various towns of Bihar and Jharkhand. A graduate of IIT Kanpur and IIM Lucknow, she realized early on that the corporate world was not her cup of tea. In 2008, she started Pothi.com, one of the first print-on-demand publishing platform in India. She currently lives in Bangalore and divides her time between writing and working on her company's latest product InstaScribe (http://instascribe.com) with a vision to make it the best e-book creation tool. Blog: https://jayajha.wordpress.com Twitter: @jayajha Facebook: http://facebook.com/MovingOnTheBook

11 thoughts on “To The admirers

  1. Hi,
    Reached this page while browsing. I don’t want to sound harsh; but I want my point to reach you and others. I have read similar articles on some other girls’ blogs. It pains me no limit, to find such girls thinking about relationshsips/love (yes, even your harping about these suggests your interest in them). Aren’t these things too trifle to pay so much attention to. There are much better things in life. People usually relish having a long list of admirers (most of them are fake unfortunately) and start harping when things turn sour. Don’t publicize such personal things on your blog. That takes away the credibility from you and in the process you lose some real admirers. So girl, please grow up.

    PS1: I commented only after reading the disclaimer part in the beginning
    PS2: I am a journalist/writer working for Times Magazine.

    Monika

  2. Hi,

    Problem is your assumption regarding how troublesome it can get. And also highly stereotyped assumption regarding what has made me write this. What do you know about me to have made such assumptions?

    There is a limit on how long you can continue to ignore things, when it happens not once, not twice, but God-knows-how-many-times in your life. No Madame – may be you relish a list of real or fake admirers. I do not! And blah! What is so unfortunate in girls thinking about relationships/love for God’s sake?

    Rest of it – you do not have to worry about what and when I write in my blogs. I will decide what I do or do not do. Do not have much patience for preachings! Grown up or not!

    Jaya

  3. Never read such strong recommendations for the admirers!

    Whatever! My intent is very narrow – keep your cool. As a reader, I’d like (wish if you prefer) you not to vent out your anger on others whose intentions may be good. Forget it if you think they don’t fit the context (including this one).

    Cheer up!

  4. You have some serious problems with your “Admirers”. But sometimes “Admirers” are admiring with the sole aim of “admiring” and nothing else. I was admiring your writing from your homepage (poems etc) and thought of including ur blog on my blog’s to-read list. But now I think, you will take it otherwise bcos u r already SICK of so many “Admirers”.

  5. Hmm.. I think I need to give a little clarification. I am not a social moron who detests any kind of appreciation/respect. In the post also, I have myself talked of me appreciating or having respect for people. That is not a problem. And why problem – that is a normal part of our lives as social beings.

    What I feel specifically upset about is the kind of expectations, in some cases, that appreciation generates. All appreciation/respect and even friendship is the world need not translate into a relationship. And one’s choice in this regard should be respected. Simple as it sounds, many a times people fail to or just do not want to appreciate that and end up creating situations which are irritating to say the least and border or being disgusting. It was this behaviour I was referring to. Hope it clarifies!

  6. Well I have nothing to do with you or your admirers or your enemies for that matter. That was put-up as a comment for a blog… which definitely sounds amateurish to me/.

    BTW the comment was more of an opinion rather than advice.

  7. Precisely! Since you have nothing to do with my admirers or enemies, and you are not capable of empathizing with the situation, with all this talk about maturity, you should have had the “maturity” of not blabbering out whatever comes to your mind. Keeping quiet can be quite a good sign of maturity, you know!

  8. “Keeping quiet can be quite a good sign of maturity, you know!”

    Interestingly, these were exactly my thoughts on reading the blog !! Anyways, over and out from my side.

  9. Anything applied out of context is quite disastrous.

    1. Keeping quiet is idiotic when you are a victim.
    2. This is my blog! You are free not to visit it.

    Taking the advantage of the point number 2 above, henceforth, all your comments will be deleted anyway. They are of no meaning here.

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