Now that few people have already pointed out to me about the two of my similarly titled poems – Main Akeli Hoon (The link might not work directly. In that case please go to my Writings page and look for this poem dated April 13, 2000) and Aaj, Main Akeli Hoon and the huge difference there in, I guess it demands a blog posting. Fortunately for me, in Few words about my writings, I have said enough about “change” to need to justify the differences any more. (”Why do you need to justify them anyway? They are your writings and its your website.” True, but if one expects some credibility, if one expects people to view them, then it matters. Otherwise what was the point in putting it up in public domain. It could well have all gone in my personal diary).
But question before me was, whether it was really because of a change in me as a person? Or rather, whether it is only because the change in me as a person? To some extent I have actually been spoiled in last one to one and a half year or so. Yes, spoiled is the word I use, because owing to whatever, I got some real support from some people around me and hardly faced anything personal or public alone. If there was a personal defeat, there were people to support me and calm me down. If there was a crisis in public life, people worked with me. So, yes, I have gotten used to some company. Therefore, some loneliness is obvious. Those kind of relationships I had not been able to develop earlier in my life. And in this case also they had taken around three years to really develop to this extent. So, obviously, it is not very easy for me to redo all that again. In any case, it was not done consciously even there. It just happened. (Someone will say, it always happens. Well, there is nothing to disagree.) This was the person part.
But is it really enough to justify so much of difference? I will say no (and you have no way out but to take it as it is – how will you verify it anyway? :p). No, because, there is a difference, difference in the situation. The earlier poem was written in Pre-JEE days. The days of struggle, hopes and fears. Questions of almost life and death. But more importantly the days of action. I was alone, but I was doing things. The action kept me alive and energetic. Today, I am missing the action. I am unable to engage myself in something that engrosses me. (I am not specifically putting blame on the place or people in this case, even if I have been very negative about this place in general.) Its just a situation that has come about as a blend of so many things. There is a need for action. But I do not have a big aim. At this stage in life, it is not possible to take grades or high paying job as the ultimate aim and hence work. In pre-JEE days, it was possible to look forward to JEE as *the* aim of life; situation was such. (Didn’t matter, how I would view JEE, later.) Today, some broader aim is needed. But what? And eternal questions, isn’t it? 🙂
I have not changed even today. I still embrace loneliness in the sense in which I had mentioned in it my earlier poem. The group mentality still does not get the better of me. But it has turned to simply not doing something. What I had wanted to do instead (academics) is not turning out to be exciting and yes, I do blame it on hopeless teaching in most of the subjects. Other avenues seem to be limited. Reading and writing are fine, but they are not giving the sense of action. What is the kind of need my writings and even readings fulfill for me – in some other post.
Nehru said in The Discovery of India, “What then was one to do? Not to act was a complete confession of failure and a submission to evil; to act meant often enough a compromise with some form of that evil, with all the untoward consequences that such compromises result in.” Not exactly applicable in this context, but the expression of dilemma regarding action made me mention it.